I saw this story on the news last night, and I find it so interesting because I see the same pattern over and over, and I wonder if anyone else sees it. Good, upstanding member of the community. Friendly, helpful and respectable...very good with kids. Very close with neighbours and community. Accused or arrested for sexual abuse / assault / molestation. Complete disbelief from the community...he was so kind, so helpful...they just don’t believe he would ever do anything like this. They vouch for him, and stand behind him...because he could never have done this.
I hate to be bearer of bad news here...but this is the story that pedophiles and child molesters count on. I have read many books on the subject and spoken with experts, I’ve read article and studies. And it’s the same thing over and over. These offenders are master manipulators. They not only groom the children to be abused, they groom the family and community into disbelief. If someone’s willingness to help with kids, or single-mothers seems too good to be true, look into it a little more. If any kids don’t like him, or don’t want to be around him...even though you love him...look into it a little more.
The most difficult thing to understand and accept is that every single child molester and pedophile is someone’s son...someone’s brother, or husband, someone’s loved one. They don’t walk around with a black hat and creepy moustache asking kids if they want candy. 85% of molesters are known by the victim and are often loved ones or respected community members. We need to keep in mind that just because we know someone, that doesn’t mean we know someone. I am not suggesting that everyone is a suspect, simply that when you have cause to be suspicious...BE SUSPICIOUS. Every pedophile and child molester leads a double life, and if a child comes forward, or evidence is found...those two lives have collided, and the offender depends on the support of the community that he has so faithfully groomed, and deceived.
Is it hard to believe when your husband, or the local minister, or the hockey coach is accused of something so horrific? Of course! That is not the person you know...the person you know is kind and gentle and always willing to lend a helping hand! This is the very essence of the Double Life. The offender isn’t going to show you the side of themselves they don’t want you to see, and will lie to perfection if caught. Years ago in Canada, a man was accused of raping his 5 year old daughter. He said it was once instance where he rolled over in bed and began having sex with who he thought was his wife. But it was his 5 year old daughter. He cried in court, ashamed of his mistake...begging for forgiveness and declaring he would never abuse his daughter. He had character witnesses for his defence. Years after the court dismissed the accusations...they learned he had been molesting his daughter for years. Whoops. You mean he lied?! I’m shocked.
You can decide for yourself if the offender is sincere with their remorse, or if it’s more manipulation. But one thing is perfectly clear to me in all my reading and work around this issue. An offender will not stop offending unless they are stopped. Does this mean throwing them all in jail? Does it mean mandatory psychotherapy? If you simply tell them to stop, and don’t put measures in place to make them stop...absolutely nothing will change.
Listen to the children. Don’t dismiss their words or accusations, just because you know or love the accused. After all, it usually is someone you know and love.
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